Langdale Search & Selection Blog

And so Yasmina wins. Whilst I will go to my grave believing Kate to be the better candidate, Yasmina is a worthy winner. Indeed, having a final between two highly competent, pleasant, grounded, reasonable, happy, intelligent, non Machiavellian contestants has restored my faith in human kind. They are both very good indeed although one doesn’t know which canapé is which and the other can’t pronounce it. I just hope victory does not taste like a basil and strawberry chocolate.

I’ll apologise in advance for keeping this final apprentice blog fairly brief and fairly straight, but the fact is that they both did a really outstanding job with their product launches and their teammates – the pressure of having to win and shaft someone else off them – actually behaved like sensible, supportive co – workers. This was also a show where the best moment came at the very start.

We probably all recall picking teams for sports as children. The question last night was not so much who’d be the one who could do with losing a few pounds and who had two left feet who’d be left to until last, but would Kate pick Philip? The crew are to be commended for some slick editing here as they caught Sir Alan’s enjoyment, Philip’s squirming and Kate’s dilemma perfectly. One could argue that Yasmina showed her talent there – let her opponent suffer and get stressed; but ultimately when given the choice between the guy who went out second (Ricky) and Philip, she chose the latter and thus saved her opponent embarrassment and pain. It was a choice and method which would not have gone unnoticed by Sir Alan and put Yasmina into a 1-0 lead early doors.

After that whilst Philip released his inner choreographer, they all did very well. Credit to Yasmina and Kate for stepping in when things were going badly – Yas with the chocs for blokes (it’s called a Yorkie, apparently) and Kate with the advert. Their packaging was good enough, the pitches were solid, and given the time and resources they had, the ads weren’t bad. So far so good, so what the hell happened with strawberries and basil???? What next – lychees and oregano? Guacamole and porridge? Whale blubber and Guinness? When we next have strawberries in I’m going to sprinkle one in basil and pop it in my mouth with a chunk of chocolate just to see what it’s all about. I will make sure I am next to the bin when I try it. And £13 for a box of chocolates seems steep – I could by 26 Crunchies for that kind of money and have 13 good nights in with my nearest and dearest (we’re simple Northern folk, with simple, Northern tastes).

So we had two stark positions – revolting chocs at an affordable price or lovely chocs at a pricey price. As Sir Alan said on You’re Hired, Yasmina just gets the plot and she understood early on that Sir Alan is a value kinda guy. He is interested in profit, loss and the margin in between the two and Yasmina twice went for the formula of cheap product and low costs and drive the profit from there. Given that I once heard Sir Alan say his first impressions of a computer being “There’s a lot of air in there” (air which he could sell at a profit, you see), this was a strategy that ultimately saw Yasmina become The Apprentice. She’s a worthy winner, although I thought Kate was better, but there you go.

I’ll conclude with my “Best ofs” for the series:

Most Objectionable Contestant: I’m actually going to go for Phillip for his frequent childish sulking and his unfailing ability to pick a fight. Debra’s obnoxious and 23, Phillip is 29 – he should have grown out of it by now.

Best “Oh No” moment: Nick gets the grenade of the price of sandalwood oil, removes pin and lobs it in. Contestants realise they have spent around £600 on a tiny quantity of oil so small it would barely be enough to massage Ben’s ego. Nick says “I’ll leave it with you” and fades into the night. One of the great Apprentice moments.

Best Daft Product: So many to choose from, but whilst I have talked about Yasmina’s winning strategy of buying cheap and selling high, the good people of the North West know that a £20 cat box thing is really no better than a cardboard box one could pick up for free down at Tesco. Not many things can make a two handed dog lead, a bike pannier bag which impedes cycling and a thermal body suit look like solid choices, but the box managed to do just that.

The Weakest Link: Noorul. He and Paula both did a great deal to re enforce private sector impressions of public sector workers. How Noorul survived four other contestants will remain a mystery never to be unfolded, as will how he ever got through the initial screening process. I fail to see how he can be the brightest Chemistry teacher mind in Rochdale, let alone one of Britain’s brightest business talents.

Biggest Let Down: Kimberely. The rough tough cream puff who never really tempted us to have a nibble. Just failed to show up although one suspects there is something there.

They Was Robbed: Howard. In my opinion, a very bright and capable young man – should have got to the final 3 or 4 as he was stronger than James and Lorraine.

Best Overall Moment: Mona and the transsexual in Margate. Penis? Vagina?

Best Boardroom Battler: Ben. I recall him saying he’d bite someone’s teeth out if he had to do so in order to win in The Boardroom. He ran out of steam in the end, but he went into each Boardroom with a solid plan of attack. Students of The Apprentice would do well to learn from his Boardroom tactics. Complete tit outside of the Boardroom, mind.

Best Dressed: Normally Sir Alan walks away with this, but some stylist has fiddled with him too much. Skinny lapels indeed. Phillip runs him close as best dressed, but Sir Alan just edges it still, but only just and it is no longer the formality it once was – it’s the hardest decision I have ever had to make.

Worst Dressed: Howard. Sorry. It’s the bold shirts and same coloured tie – hideous. Ben comes a good second for dressing old beyond his years like one of those freakish kiddy beauty pageant contestants.

Best Sale: Whilst she was only just pipped by Noorul for the “What, are you still in it?” award, her selling of the all in one thermal body stockings to some bloke at an Army and Navy in Swinton was very, very good. The fact that he still has 36 of them despite having been on telly and that it has jiggered his cash flow to the extent that he has had to sell his kids’ kidneys in order to survive is immaterial – the girl closedd him good!

Overall most cringeworthy moment and worst idea: The Olympic sandwiches were naff, but Pants Man and Phillip’s pitch to his team will go down as a classic moment and an appalling idea which a team was brow beaten into following. On watchable through one’s fingers and with gritted teeth.

Best Looking: First thing in the morning, last thing at night, or just during the middle of the afternoon, she always looks stunning and is the true star of the show: London. The crew really do make the city look its best – a city of contrast and character and no little beauty and glamour.

A final word on standards. Sir Alan had a swipe at we bloggers and critics for pillorying our heroes. I think this has been a series of two halves – the finalists were fantastic, there final six all had good qualities and even Ben and Phillip had personality, drive and passion (if not brains, maturity and charm). But the first half to go were very, very poor indeed and the series suffered as a result. That Noorul lasted five weeks says it all about the quality on show in the first half of the series. I firmly predict that the credit crunch will see the class of 2010 become a very high quality crop simply because more good people are being forced onto the market. I look forward to it.

And last of all – adieu Margaret. Now there’s what these people should aspire to – top class lawyer, top class business woman, scholar and a person with charm, acumen and intelligence – she is a class act and will be sorely missed.

And now I have to think of fresh subject matter every week…

Rob Barklamb, Langdale Search & Selection

I honestly expected to be writing today about the very real possibility of Debra winning The Apprentice, but Ding Dong, the Wicked Witch is dead. Last night’s show was preceded by a show profiling the Final Five. Sadly, I missed the first half but I caught the parts about Lorraine, James and Debra. There’s always a sob story or two with the contestants and I honestly expected it to be Debra’s. I say this because I was hoping that there were elements in her past which meant she had had to be tough in order to pull herself out of a childhood of deprivation. I imagined that she was actually half wolf/half human (HOW ELSE do you explain those piercingly blue eyes?? And don’t say contact lenses!) and had been rejected by the human parent and so had been raised by a pack of wolves on the fringes of a sink estate in Bermondsey. On her way to school (the wolves thought it best that she go) the other kids would throw sticks at her – “Go chase, wolf girl!” they would shout at her and whilst they tucked into their chicken nuggets at lunchtime, Debra would…er…wolf down a bowl of raw meat. Gradually, however, she learned to walk on just the two legs and to use a knife and fork, but still she left school at 15 without any GCSEs and got a job in a pet shop. Despite the other animals being completely terrified of her and despite the pet shop owner sometimes coming back from lunch to discover a rabbit had gone missing and that Debra had blood around her mouth, she excelled as seller of pets. Eventually, the pet shop owner, Debra and the pack of wolves decided the time had come for her to go to the big city and get a job in media sales before going on to try to become The Apprentice.

That’s the kind of background I expected Debra to have had because I was otherwise at a loss to explain how someone could be in a permanent state of aggression and antagonism. But no, Debra is the product of a loving home in leafy Surrey, her father was the Managing Director of a Telco company, she went to a “good school” (to quote Claude the interviewer) and had a pony at the age of eight (which, as far as we know, she did not eat). So far from being the product of a deprived childhood where all she knew was how to fight in order to drag herself clear of poverty, she is actually just a spoilt bully. There’s a part of me that is thinking “Och, she’s only 23”, but no, when one thinks back to her behaviour, she is a thoroughly nasty piece of work and I am glad that she has gone. I thought Sir Alan would go down that route of “She’s got sales drive and I like sales drive; she’s got appalling inter personal skills but that’s the point of the show – I’ll take a rough diamond and make them shine.” Thank goodness he avoided that temptation (as he has done every year, to be fair) and sent her packing.

No the hard luck story was Lorraine’s and I did find myself feeling very sorry for her and warming to her considerably, but the interviewer’s analysis was right – she’d drive Sir Alan mad and would fail to cope with the pressure. It’s fair to say that contestants can and do use the show as a shop window for their “talent”. I can see a million and one aggressive, punchy sales organisations offering Debra a million and one jobs – and good luck to them. And Lorriane will get a decent job with a decent company where holistic learning and instinct are core values and she will be just fine. James didn’t really cover himself in glory, did he? But I can see him as an F List celebrity and getting seats on some satellite TV channel’s Comedy quiz show. If he’ lucky, he may get a presenting job on Setanta Sport 3, or something. And again, good luck to him, because it’s a lot better than Noorul will do because he is still teaching Chemistry and have kids trying to set fire to him with Bunsen burners.

OK, let’s get on with blogtastic recruitment chat, shall we? Last night’s episode is obviously the one most readily and genuinely associated with recruitment as it involved interviewing. However, as Claude later graciously pointed out, these interviews bore little resemblance to the real world. In the real world, interviewers have to observe certain social conventions (making at least an attempt to be civil, for example) and to, above all else, sell the role and company to the interviewee. In these interviews, the interviewers have carte blanche to rip the interviewees to shreds. To be fair, only Claude really does this whereas Karren makes Richard and Judy look like a tough gig. Having said all that, last night’s show provided us all with some great tips for interviews:

1. BE YOURSELF, BUT NOT TOO MUCH: Ah, to be sure, Lorraine usually talks in a kind of non descript Home Counties accent, but get her in an interview and, bejesus, the old Irish brogue comes out. That’s lovely, so it is. What’s that all about? I remember seeing this programme about all round entertainer John Barrowman’s quest to find out if there was a genetic reason for him being gay (there was more to it than that, but that’s all you need to know for now). Now, Barrowman speaks with a very clear and loud American accent. The show saw him return home to his native Scotland to meet his family to talk about his childhood. Now the bizarre thing was that when he was with his parents he spoke in this ridiculous Scottish accent. How strange – he is completely comfortable about coming out as being gay (and jolly good, too, say I), but he cannot yet bring himself to tell his parents that he now talks like a Californian. Strange. “Mum, dad, there’s a wee something I need to tell youse, och aye. This is no really my accent any more. Aye. There’s something I’ve hidden from youse. Mum, dad, I love youse, but you need tae know I now talk like I’m frae Los Angeles”. Lorraine is suffering from a similar strain of accent identity confusion, hence her slips from pure Ealingesque to Kilkenny. Lozza, be yourself in interview – once you and your intuition have worked out exactly who you truly are.
James, on the other hand, was completely himself and got duly slaughtered for it, but more of that anon.

2. HAVE MORE THAN ONE VERSION OF YOUR CV AND TAKE SOME TIME DOING IT

James presumably has a CV for Telco jobs which is full of Telco jargon. Fair enough. Claude picked him up for having a CV which was unintelligible due to the proliferation of this jargon (and Claude was acting a little unfairly: it matters not that James may have been selling QWARKY Z14s or sellotape, what matters is that he was +26% on last year at selling them) and clearly James hadn’t been bothered to adapt his tecchie CV for a non tecchie role. In short, if you are, for example, a Sales & Marketing Manager looking for a role in either Sales or Marketing, then have one version of your CV which emphasises the Sales experience and one which emphasises the Marketing experience – one each for each type of role. Simple.

3. DON’T LIE
Lorraine got caught out by Karren Brady on her dates of employment (and as I say, this is the equivalent of being asked an intellectually demanding question by Richard Madeley) and was just left there sucking air as she tried to explain that 2007 was a typo on her CV, sitting there petrified like one of the rabbits back in the pet shop where Debra worked as lunchtime approached and Debra was looking wolfishly hungry. Don’t lie and do check your CV for any errors once you have written it.
4. KNOW YOUR INTERVIEWER
Karren challenged Kate on her relationship with Phillip. Now, if Kate had done her homework on Karren (Karren’s been a final interviewer now for a few years and I’m presuming they have access to the web in the “penthouse”) she would have known that in 1995 Karren married a footballer who had played for her club between 1992 and 1994. Absolutely nothing wrong with that, but knowing that would have allowed Kate to make a more compelling answer.
And bear in mind that an interviewer may also have skeletons in their cupboards and that just because they pull up in an Aston or Bentley does not mean that profits may have dipped horrifically in their company or that they may have had the odd run in with “the authorities” in the past.

5. FOR GOODNESS SAKE, KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE WRITTEN DOWN!
Now, Claude can make Hannibal Lecter look like a nice guy – he has a tremendously unsettling manner. Using this power, he managed to get Yasmina so flustered that she was no longer 100% sure what Turnover was and had completely lost the plot with regard to gross and net profit. Now she had a plausible answer – the figures were based on estimates and averages, but because she was not in complete control of the facts she failed to make this point coherently and convincingly. You must know what you have written inside out or you risk looking like a liar.

6. AND BASE YOUR ANSWERS ON FACT!
Jo Brand touched upon this in You’ve Been Fired – we all grow so tired of the “Sir Alan, I’m a fighter, I’m a grafter, I am not a weasel, as you suggest, and I will give you 110%” as it’s just such hackneyed subjective drivel. Now when Kate was accused of being robotic and too good to be true by one of the interviewers she could have retorted with “No, I’m not, I’m a hoot and the life and soul and I will give you 110% unrobotic behaviour” (and, to be honest, she did say that when she was in the Boardroom), but in the interview she bought it back to the facts answering that she got a First at Uni and when put forward for management training at McDonalds at the age of 16 she finished first in the class. Now say what you like about McDonalds, but anyone who knows their potatoes knows that their training is superb and they produce very good operators. It was a great answer which put the interviewer’s head back down – he was knocked out with a cold, hard fact.

7. BE SELECTIVE WITH YOUR REFERENCES
OK, we all only pick people who will give us good references. It’s fair to say that most referees tend to stick to the motto “If you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.” How evil must Debra be that her own references are bad??? Seriously, that is some going. You know, even genial Joe Stalin could get some good references if he was allowed to pick his referees, but not Debra. I guess her wolf family could only howl and scratch around a bit and that just didn’t translate too well and her human colleagues just shafted her.

8. BODY LANGUAGE SHOWS
Ah, James. You went in all crisp and fresh and came out like a wrung dishcloth. As Claude tore him to pieces (and rightly so, there was absolutely no need for that sort of language) that winded wounded gormless expression came on his face. It was said that Helen of Troy had a face that could launch a thousand ships; James sometimes has a face which could just about launch one of those tugs which carries rubbish down the Thames. By the end he looked utterly defeated – sweating and bewildered – and it showed to the interviewers – here was a beaten man who was not fit for the job. Ultimately, in the boardroom, he was like a fish left out of water, exhausted after a day of flapping about in the stale air of the interview room, gasping his last futile, tired, sweaty gasps before dying a slow death. Alas, poor James, ‘twas a fellow of infinite jest.

Quick round up. OK, five contestants all leaving the “penthouse” to go to “HQ”. Why the need for five burger van car things to take them? Sir Alan talks about these “difficult times”, so why not get them to squeeze up together in one van? Save petrol, save lease costs, save thye planet, that’s what I say. What is going on in those vans that they need so much space? Have the girls each got a Chippendale dancing around for their delectation? Has James got a birthing pool? Or is Debra riding on a rocking horse whilst Lorraine snuggles down in her thermal body suit? It must be something like that, otherwise I see no need for five vehicles. Whilst on the subject of cars, it’s quite something when the Silver Circle City lawyer turning up in what looked like an E Class Mercedes is the one with the worst car in the car park among the Aston and Bentleys. Collar tie – good but not great. Prize? The ultimate prize – The Final.

I thought we’d have the dream final of Good v Evil. Light v Dark. Wolf v Brummie. But no Yasmina is through. She may not be completely aware of what her gross profit is (or indeed what gross profit is at all) or the difference between Tesco value cooking oil and sandal wood oil, but she is there on merit. Kate, Phillip and canapés aside, has been consistently good and occasionally outstanding. She has a First; she excelled amongst a class of trainees at one of the world’s largest corporations; she is presumably doing well in her current role with one of the coffee chains; she is tipped by her peers; she has been the best PM and has shown herself to be adaptable and capable; although Yasmina is good, Kate is amongst the best candidates the show has ever seen. And it is for that reason that I predict she will lose – Sir Alan fired The Badger and Kristina when they were the best in their years and I suspect he will do so again this year. But I hope he doesn’t, which is me covering my bets!

Enjoy the Final. Remember it has been elevated to status usually reseerved for World Cups, Grand Slam Tennis and Golf Tournaments and…snooker and is now on a Sunday. See you on Monday, then.

Rob Barklamb, Langdale Search & Selection

Regular readers (and they exist – hello!) will have cottoned on how I’m somewhat fascinated by clothes. That’s not to say that I’m some label freak Fashonista, I’m not, I just have a sense of what’s and wrong with clothes. Some say “Manners maketh the man”, I’d broadly agree but then add “Yes, but what about those shoes, Howard?” I would, for example, never recruit or trust a man who did not wear a belt as I reason that it’s hard to trust someone who’s obviously in such a hurry to get their trousers off. So, whilst we’re on this theme, why would you buy a rocking horse from a man who wore jeans with a shirt and tie?? There’s an old song by The Fall which has always stuck with me in which the chorus goes “Do you know what you look like before you go out?” and it’s a thought which often strikes me in everyday life. What kind of person is it who wakes up and thinks “Right, go the TV crew from The Apprentice today. Big day – could really boost our sales and make us filthy rich. Right, want to look my best…what shall I wear? Don’t want to look too formal. Don’t want to look too casual. Not mutton dressed as lamb. Not Kensington stuffy. I know, jeans with a shirt and tie.” Look, I’m no Gok Wan, but it’s wrong on just about every level and this combination should never, ever be worn.

I’ll tell you the kind of person who wears jeans with a shirt and tie – the kind who can sucker a naive Apprentice into taking the big risk of taking a rocking horse costing £1750 to a baby show. Mr Smart But Casual did not care one iota if they sold a horse, he was getting 20 minutes or so of free advertising and his website will be in melt down this morning. “Kids, just emphasise that we don’t negotiate on price and off you go!” Similarly, Lorraine was suckered into selling pushchairs at £135 when the same supplier was letting someone else sell them at £100. It was a harsh lesson in business for our Apprentices – people lie and will use you for their own ends.

So, James’s team took the calculated risk of going for the one knock out sale with the big ticket item. It’s a tempting strategy and one which could have worked if the pissed blokes who’d bought the carpet and skeleton from Phillip had been there looking for something for their grandkids. Imagine if carpet bloke had been staggering around Earl’s Court “Cor, this carpet’s heavy. Hey, what’s this – Baby Show. I’ll have a bit of that! Little Percy’s birthday’s coming up. Skull cap? Maybe? Birthing pool – nah, too late for all that. Rocking horse! How much? Alright, I’ll give you £1500 and the carpet!” Well if that had happened they would have won. But it didn’t and so they lost. No, it’s a high risk strategy but one which I think was ultimately undermined by the simple fact that rocking horses are rubbish really. All they do is rock over about 2 feet in along one axis. Give them two lumps of sugar and they won’t eat, ask them to neigh and they remain silent, whip them and you’ll only get damaged varnish. No, in the age of Nintendo and Playstation 3, a rocking horse will merely become an expensive clothes horse.

Which brings me back to clothes. Given Ben’s choice of clothes, I was never going to like him, especially as in his case, the clothes really were a reflection of the man. The braces, the cliché of sharp pinstripe suit and the stripey shirt, the socks (Luce!), the tweedy country squire jacket at the Baby Show (he’s 22 for goodness’ sake!!!), even his gym kit had something wrong (I can think of no other word) about it. His clothes just embody all that public school, Sandhurst, (Trainee) stockbroker nonsense. However, I do not blame Ben – I blame his parents. Later, on “You’ve been Fired” they showed a photo of a young Ben dressed in a quasi Victorian sailor outfit. “Ahh, how sweet, reminds me of that photo of Grandad as a child”, we all thought. Hold on a minute, if he’s 22 now that photo must have been taken in 1990. That’s 1990, not 1890. What kind of freaks dress a kid like that in 1990?? Poor child – he never stood a chance. I blame the parents.

And there I was, finding myself feeling sorry for Ben. How did he get booted when we had Debra? Before last year’s Champions League Final, I remember asking my Liverpool supporting mate who he’d be supporting – Chelsea or Manchester United? He paused and reminded me that this was like asking him if Robert Mugabe or Kim Yong was his favourite dictator. And so it is with Debra and Ben – who’s your favourite evil, aggressive bully in The Apprentice? What hold does Debra have over Sir Alan? Last week she was responsible for the blank leaflets, this week she chose the rocking horse. Sir Alan said that Nick and Margaret don’t like her, that he agrees and that he can see that no one likes her. And yet she has survived two weeks where she has clearly been exposed as lacking in judgement and ability. Obviously, she’s good TV value, but so were Ben and Phil. I wonder if Sir Alan harbours a hope that she can change, that she can keep that drive, sales ability, self confidence but mix it with some of “the milk of human kindness” which Shakespeare described Lady Macbeth as lacking (Oh, Debra as Lady Macbeth – there’s a blog!). Surely asking Debra to become like Mother Theresa, is like asking Christiano Ronaldo to become Darren Fletcher, like asking Katie Price (aka Jordan) to become Anne Widdecombe! However, there is a precedent for such a change. There was once an evil figure who paralysed those who resisted, who cast a dark, looming physical presence over any group, whose iron will and ruthlessness marked them as a class apart, but who was also one who redeemed themself and who become good, true and noble at the end. I write, of course, of Darth Vader. Yes, Debra is the Dark Lord and Sir Alan is hoping that, in the end as she teeters on the precipice of expulsion, she will re discover her true self and return to the Light Side.

A quick word of praise for those not in the Boardroom – Yasmina got on with her job and stood up to Debra in the Boardroom (no more holding hands there, methinks). It’s always the kiss of death when I describe someone as a “Dark Horse” and they get booted the following week. So, Lorraine again did a genuinely very good job as PM (push chair problems aside) and so I’ll describe her as Dark Horse. Howard showed humour and freed from the oppressive force of Darth Vader, he relaxed and performed admirably. Kate, again, was very good and did most things well. These last two are clearly the brightest of the bunch and my tip is for a Howie, Kate, Debra final three.

This was by far Sir Alan’s best performance of the series. I do not think that it’s a coincidence that the return to his grumpy self came in the same week as a return to a decent collar and tie. Yes, he came into the room looking like a man who’d just been told that his property portfolio which was once worth £400M was now worth a ball of string, a bowl of pickled onions and some paperclips. He was impatient, he was funny, he spoke for us all on Sandhurst and he threw us. It was looking certain that James would go; I’m paraphrashing somewhat but “You’re a nice bloke James, but you are bloody useless and so with regret…this is hard…but this time…Ben…” What??? No, Sir Alan sent the spotlight over to James and Debra and then fired Ben – it was superb showmanship from The Bugler Boy from Stamford Hill.

OK, time for this week’s comparisons. It is obviously very tempting to do Apprentices and Star Wars characters, but I have got to leave for Manchester in 30 minutes and time is short – maybe next week. So, on the theme of clothes, I’ll compare our heroes to items of clothing:

Howard – Cardigans. Went so out of fashion and nobody was interested in them for ages, but suddenly they are all the rage. I have always liked cardigans.
Lorraine – Any season’s must have cut of trouser which is a bit too radical. Great for a short period and sometimes super hot, but after a while they look a bit ridiculous.
Yasmina – Your favourite old tee shirt. Solid, dependable, unflashy, much loved, you will miss it when it’s gone but it has survived so many clear outs over the years and is still there.
Kate – A good pair of jeans. Versatile, essential, worth paying the extra for a good pair. No wardrobe should be without them.
James – A novelty tie. Funny for about 5 minutes; wear it once but then realise that it’s naff really.
Debra – 9 inch stilettos. Pointy, uncomfortable and you can stab someone in the eye with the heel.

See you next week – do let me have your Star wars characters ideas.

Rob Barklamb, Langdale Search & Selection.

And so Mona goes. After her brief moment of magic in a Swinton hardware store where she suckered some block into buying a lifetime’s worth of thermal body stockings, she regressed to her normal self yesterday and got fired. For the first time this series, Sir Alan fired someone “with regret”, an epitaph he usually reserves for wayward mavericks rather than plodders who once sold some sleeping bags, like Mona.

Last night saw our bands of merry would be Amstradders take on the task of re branding Margate. Now, I’ve never been to Margate but it conjures up mental images of sludgy horizons, B+Bs with peeling paintwork housing unfortunate asylum seekers, and of West Ham fans on day trips eating whelks. It could be Morrissey’s “This is the coastal town, that they forget to close down”. By everyone’s admission on the show, it had “seen better days”. So re branding the town was no mean feat. Bravely, Mona’s team decided to go for branding the town as a Kent coast version of Brighton, a gay Mecca (now there’s an oxymoron) with a sandy beach. In short, the idea was good, but the execution was poor.

The show told us much about the gay community. According to Mona, there are no gay people in Kent. Kent is just not the sort of place where gay people live. Kent. Gays. No. No, all gay people in the UK live in London or Brighton. If you are in the North, Scotland or The Midlands, then you can go and live in Manchester. Furthermore, we learned that they are all loaded (in the money sense of the word, not the amyl nitrate sense) and have pink pounds to burn. If you are gay, working in McDonalds and living in Kettering, you do not exist because all gay people work in highly remunerated creative industries in the aforementioned gay zones.

Conversely, we learned that the good people of Margate are a wonderfully open minded bunch who seemed not to harbour any homophobia (well at least the ones we saw on the show) and that Sir Alan was also very open minded. What a shame then that Howard stuck in his closet for this show. That is entirely his prerogative, but my understanding is that he is the show’s firstly openly gay contestant and yet he said nothing about it last night. This provides a lovely example of life imitating a reality TV show – whilst we are an increasingly tolerant society, we still harbour stereotypical images about homosexuality (they only live in three cities, they are all rich) which make it difficult for gay men like Howard to be open about their sexuality.

Moving on, I have heard it said by many that the standard of Apprenticees gets lower each year and this bunch are of particularly low quality. Let’s look at Mona on this point. Later in “You’ve Been Fired” she confessed to having no imagination and that she found it hard to express herself articulately and accurately. Now, The Apprentice begins with the statement that we have “Fifteen of Britain’s brightest business talents”. Well how did someone with no imagination who is unable to express themself coherently slip through the net?? Call me old fashioned, but I would have thought “Good Communication Skills” would be a box that would need to be ticked for someone to pass muster and that “Creativity” would be down on the screening list as being highly desirable. That Mona does not possess these skills does indeed indicate a lower standard.

And it was indeed the absence of these skills which contributed to her undoing when she met a broad shouldered, gruff voiced lady in Margate’s one and only gay bar. In a moment of TV magic, Mona (I think she’s lead a very sheltered life, don’t you?) struggled to ask about the transsexual’s current gender status. Her lack of communication skills saw her fudge her answer and subsequent response. Her lack of imagination meant she was unable to comprehend what was going on. I have been passed details of Mona’s inner dialogue during this meeting. It goes like this:

“So, big lady. What is lady doing in gay bar? Only men are gay. Oh. Not a lady. Will be lady. I think. Man. Oh. Has boobs. Has deep voice. Vagina? Penis? Penis. Vagina. Boobs – vagina! My turn to talk. Errrrrrrr.”

Yes, Mona can sell thermal body stockings until the cows come home, but give her a transsexual in Margate and this one of Britain’s fifteen brightest business talents falls to pieces.

Nominally the show is about recruitment and I am a recruiter! So, let me put my recruitment hat on and look at the show. One of the challenges the show has is that the tasks really need to have a “score” which means that most tasks are sales led tasks where the team with the highest sales/profit wins. Occasionally, they seek to mix it up with the advertising show and last night’s, however there is something intrinsically unsatisfactory about the result being settled by subjective “marks out of ten” scores from selected audiences. Therein lies the rub as too many of the tasks are sales tasks and they therefore inevitably examine the same competencies for 12 or so of the 15 weeks. As recruiters, we have worked out who’s who after 3 shows, but we need to have another 9 shows to get rid of makeweights like Mona and Noorul.

Most companies would operate a three stage process given the 15 contestants. Cut half of them after a day of group exercises. Run some tests and interviews on the survivors to get to three for a final selection centre. I can tell you now that four of our last seven will not get the job. James will not win because there’s just a piece of the jigsaw which is missing with him; Lorraine will not win because she divides people, relies too much on her “instinct” and because she likes Ben (which proves she is mad). Debra will not win because she is a bully who is unable to listen to other people. Ben will not win because he is a complete and utter tit. However, one of these last two will creep into the final three as the pantomime villain at the expense of either Howard or Yasmina, both of whom might be described as “solid if unexceptional”. That leaves us with Kate, who will win because she is genuinely very good at some things, pretty good at most things, and the things she is crap at (identifying canapés) don’t really matter.

There you go, job done. So how do we fill 10 more weeks of air time? Well, I’d like to see some new tasks being introduced which test some other competencies. Firstly, intelligence. Televising them doing aptitude tests would be a tad boring, so I propose they do The Weakest Link one week and get rid of a few thickies that way. They could also do a Spelling Bee another week to re test in this area. I’d also like to see their people skills put to the test, so I propose that they are sent to teach in some rough inner city school and the one who gets most abused by pupils gets booted. Planning – there’s planning involved in every task they do, but they are absolutely bloody awful at planning on every task but they mask this inability to plan by bumping into pissed blokes who fancy buying a carpet/skeleton. So, I’d want a task which was solely about planning (I have one in mind, but it’s too dull for words so won’t bore you here). Then we could have a cost saving task and a recruitment task, but 12 or so sales tasks does mean as an audience have honed it down to three people (well one, who am I kidding?) after just 8 weeks. Furthermore, one senses the contestants are tiring, there was barely a flicker in the Boardroom last night, Philip seemed exhausted last week (I wonder why…)and Mona had run out of steam last night. However, having the stamina to last the pace is another competence, I suppose.

Rounding up quickly. Ties/collars – never really got that whole David Steele thing with the white collars, so no. Prize – never been into that fast cars scene, but it did look like great fun. Just when you thought Ben could not display much more stupidity he starts going around framing photographic perspectives with his fingers. Who does that??? In real life, have you ever seen anyone do that and if so, did you slap them? And then we have Lorraine’s flirting with Ben. My flesh is beginning to crawl at the very thought of those two together. There’s just something really unnatural about it. Bestiality is a word which springs to mind. To his credit, Ben does look like he’d rather be down a Margate gay bar with a transsexual than with Lorraine.
I’ll conclude this week by comparing our seven contestants to the seaside locations they remind me of:
James – Whitby. Lovely really; quirky, honest, blokey, but it’s never going to be St Ives.
Kate – St Ives. You could knock it for being a bit flashy and too popular, but it really is a smashing place.
Lorraine – Any nudist beach. Alternative, out there, trusting in instinct, but essentially somewhat naff.
Ben – Blackpool. Made up to look all flashy, but really quite vulgar and unpleasant with a nasty undertone.
Howard – The Gower coast. Understated and far less flashy as Cornwall and Devon, but some would say better than those two.
Yasmina – The Northumberland Coast. Similar to Gower – really rather good in parts, but quite distant.
Debra – Sellafield. A nuclear power plant that has gone through some re brands to make it look more appealing, but it’ll always just be a nuclear power plant.

As ever, I’d welcome your thoughts.

Rob Barklamb, Langdale Search & Selection.

Last night two great rivals came head to head. At Stamford Bridge, Chelsea did battle with Barcelona. In the Boardroom, Phil and Lorraine fought once more. In both cases, only one side could prevail; in both cases, it would go to the very last minute; in both cases, two evenly matched opponents would have their fates decided by referees.

What a great show last night! A big player fell, new talent came to light (Mona – woah, where did that come from??), there was fighting, forgiveness (Yasmina – bless your heart for backing Lorraine after she trampled on you) and betrayal (Et tu, Kate?). We had Southern Softies come across blunt Northerners who know a cardboard box when they see one and no end of dressing up as a fire engine would ever hide that fact. And they know the price of a sleeping bag.

Let’s start with the cardboard box. I have just googled it to find the price – £14.95 on a website. This is what it says on the website:
If you were watching The Apprentice thinking ‘wow that Cat Playhouse looks so cool, I want one for my little whiskers’ then look no further. Giftlab.co.uk are now selling the Cat Playhouse for just £14.95. Buy it now.

No, I didn’t think it looked cool. I think I’d get more value out of soaking 3 £5 notes in glue and making a paper Mache model of Lord Nelson. No, I’d have to spend my day then inhaling the glue I’d used for my model and then stumble into Heals tripping out my mind before I could ever think £15 for a cardboard box was good value and that it looked cool. Stop and think, contestants, IT IS A CAT. Cats do not know the difference between a cardboard box fashioned to look like an aeroplane and, well, a cardboard box. They’re colour blind for a start. Then think some more – Scouse hardware chain. Oh, yes, the good people of Toxteth will be queuing up in their tracksuit bottoms and hoodies, giros shaking in their hands to spend £15 on a cardboard box, because “Our Whiskers” deserves only the best re enforced paper play things money can buy. Meanwhile, across in Wilmslow and Knutsford, the WAGs will be making their way to Heals in their Jimmy Choos to get their hand on the stylish must have for any feline. Credit crunch be damned, if you can’t shell out for style then things really have turned rotten. And Lorraine thought she could shift 20,000 of them – does she think there’s a colony of Barbara Cartland Cat Worshipping lookalikes in Alderley Edge?

It made a bike bag that impedes peddling look good. It made a £95 thermal body stocking a winner and it made a £22 dog lead a winner. Let’s return to Phil and Kate post Apprentice:

Phil: Kate, I love you and I love wor dog, Lorraine. I just we wish could walk her together while we held hands, like.
Kate: Bugger off and straighten your hair, I have a spreadsheet on Thermal Body Stocking sales to complete for Sir Alan.
Phil: Oh, you’ve hurt us feelings, Kate.
Kate: Oh, I’m sorry. It’s just that it’s stressful being The Apprentice and having to wear a tie every day to work. You’re right, we should walk her, but how, Phil, how? We have four arms but only one end of a lead. If only there was a lead we could use that would allows us to both feel Lorraine’s straining neck as we pulled her back.

Like the football last night, the referee played the pivotal role in The Apprentice. Briefly (and totally objectively), Chelsea were robbed of a famous victory last night by four of the worst decisions you will ever see from a referee. When it came to the big penalty decisions Tom Henning Ovrebo failed to make the right and brave call which would have seen the tie be effectively ended by him awarding a penalty which would have pu Chelsea out of Barca’s reach. He abdicated responsibility when he was called upon to make a decision which would have put Barcelona out. He did this 4 times. Sir Alan is a superb referee. He sees the facts. When his not sure, he consults his Assistants (Nick and Margaret), he will make the tough calls and he will be decisive. I wish we’d have had Sir Alan as our ref last night:
“Look, Barca, I let of you the first time ‘cos the foul started outside the box; I let you off the second time cos although there was clear contact with the man and none with the ball (THAT’S NONE WHATSOEVER), Drogba often goes down too easily and I wasn’t 100%; the third one, oh OK, I just got that wrong and he deceived me by making it look like an innocent to ball to hand, but this is the 4th time. You went up with your arms in the air, the shot was on target, you blocked it with your raised arm. Deliberately or not, Barca, this time based on the fact that is the 4th time you’ve been here, Barca, with regret, it’s a penalty!” But sadly we had a chump who probably owns a cardboard box cat plaything.

And so Philip is gone. He was ultimately let down by his immaturity and petulance. He would say the right thing (I will support you Lorraine) but reverted too soon to his chippy, truculent, dismissive self. Like his lookalike, John Terry, he bit the bullet last night and like JT’s team, he attracts derision and hatred, but ultimately the competition will be poorer without him and he made a great contribution over the last few weeks. Well played, Philip, you had to go, but it was fun watching you.

Anyway, life does go on (I have to tell myself this). The early stages of The Apprentice are a bit like the Group Stages of The Champions League. You watch it, but it’s a bit boring really and doesn’t really get interesting until you get o the last 8, when you know 5 or 6 teams stand a decent chance of winning it. Phil’s departure was like one of the big teams falling before the last 8 (a la Juventus or Real Madrid this year), but now we are into the nitty gritty and this where the competition really starts. So, I thought it appropriate to change the format from my usual Who’s Hot/Who’s Not to compare the last 8 contestants and match them with the team from the last 8 of this year’s Champions League with which they share the most characteristics. I WOULD REALLY WELCOME YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS, SO PLEASE DO LET ME KNOW:

Manchester United – Debra. Tough call this, but loved by the few, loathed by the many. However, all would attest to their occasional brilliance and admire the ability to win ugly. Ruthlessly successful and incredibly driven, a tad full of themselves, occasionally let down by bad temper when red mist descends.

Barcelona – Kate. Good to look at, has undoubted flair and talent, but not quite as fantastic as everyone makes out. Loved by refs the world over. Occasionally let down by poor kit choices (ties for Kate, yellow away kits for Barca). For all the flair, will stab you in the heart in the last minute (Phil who?).

Chelsea – Howard – Lacks the flair of the other big players, but clever and hard working. Not popular, but undoubtedly good, professional and talented. Will go close, but may just lack that extra bit of class to go all the way. Hopefully will not be cheated by appalling refereeing.

Arsenal – Yasmina. Bit like Kate and Barcelona, but not quite as good to look at and not quite as skilful. Hard to dislike and capable of occasional brilliance, but lacking the killer instinct and overall wherewithal to go all the way. Gets pushed off the ball too easily (“No, I’m doing it Yasmina and that’s final”). A bit nice.

Porto – Mona. Something of a dark horse and capable of giving the Big Boys a fright by a fearless will power and skill. Surprise package and who knows…

Bayern Munich – Lorraine. Germanic (it’s those specs). Like United, this team divides people: loved by a few, but reviled by many. You can see there are elements of quality there but they just don’t seem to all add up. Delusions of grandeur. Will go head to head with Barca/Kate and get annihilated, but it will be a game that will be great to watch.

Liverpool – Ben. Goes on and on about class and achievements of the past (he won a scholarship to Sandhurst, you know), but just crap really. Talks a good talk, but will win nothing. Really beyond me why anyone might like them.

Villareal – James. Impossible to dislike, bit quirky, but what exactly are they doing here?

This week’s tie – no, he’s lost it. Prize – now we’re talking. I can’t wait for next week – rebranding Margate. Now that is a challenge. Looks like Howard’s going to make it the Brighton of the Kent coast, a bold move which will either make him or break him. See you next week!

Rob Barklamb, Langdale Search & Selection

ANNOUNCEMENT: BEN WON A SCHOLARSHIP TO SANDHURST (BUT HE DIDN’T GO)

The episode which would see the demise of Noorul was always going to be a bit of a waste, wasn’t it? The BBC could just have put up a notice saying “You can find tonight’s result on teletext, but as it’s a no hoper getting the bullet we thought it would be more interesting to show you a documentary about a group of Bolivian nuns who are staging a production of “Hairspray” in the back streets of Bogata.” All I have to say about Noorul is that I hope the kids don’t bully him too much back at school and that he is probably the weakest candidate ever to survive past show 3.

NEWSFLASH: BEN WON A SCHOLARSHIP TO SANDHURST (BUT HE DIDN’T GO)

I thought last night’s show was poor but with a few highlights, mainly provided by the Holy Trinity of Sir Alan, Margaret and Nick – more of that anon. The show was let down by a bad task – any task that can effectively be won by selling stuff by chance to blokes who have been over indulging in a bit of afternoon drinking is a flawed task. I don’t know about you, but the daftest purchase I have made after a few too many beers is a kebab (I have a theory – the police should replace breathalyzer tests with the “Kebab Test”: they should pull over suspected drink-drivers and ask them if they fancy a kebab; if the driver replies in the affirmative, they are obviously drunk and should be arrested immediately). If I were to come home after a few beers with “Honey, I’m home – and guess what, I bought a skeleton and a rug!” I wouldn’t be sitting here writing now. I wouldn’t be sitting here writing as my wife would have broken all of my fingers and I’d be tapping on the keyboard with bandaged stumps. And quite right too.

HELLO: BEN WON A SCHOLARSHIP TO SANDHURST (BUT HE DIDN’T GO)

So, let’s turn to Ben. Ben, the Little Leprechaun; Ben, who wears braces, flashy socks (cheers, Luce) and shirts with those funny David Steele white collars without irony and not for a bet; Ben, indeed a man-child without any sense of irony or self awareness; Ben, coming soon to a supermarket opening and nitespot PA near you. Ben is so out of touch he sees his Sandhurst scholarship offer as a virtue. Ben, no one cares. Indeed any sane and decent person knows that all of that Sandhurst stuff breeds the type of “Officer Class” who think taking a breezeblock of cheese from Makro to sell in France is a good idea, and that cooking sausages by using a magnifying glass to generate some heat will have the good people of France crying out for more. Ben – it’s not a selling point!

NEWS JUST IN: BEN WON A SCHOLARSHIP TO SANDHURST (BUT HE DIDN’T GO)

Another major flaw for me last night was the HUGE shift in goalposts. As far as I can recall, they were told to go out and sell the items for as much as they could get. When they returned they were told that if they had sold them below their “value” then they would have the difference between sale price and “value” deducted from their score. I am assuming that if they didn’t sell it, then no deduction would be made. If that is the case then Phil could have won by sitting doing the crossword as you’d end up with a score of zero which would have beaten Ben’s minus score. I’m getting pedantic here, but in the defence of the contestants, I am not entirely convinced they were given the full rules which were applied at the end.

BREAKING NEWS: BEN WON A SCHOLARSHIP TO SANDHURST (BUT HE DIDN’T GO)

So, with content being weaker last night, the producers tricked us. You can invariably tell which team will end up losing because the show spends more time with them. Thus last night we got lulled into expecting another Phil v Lorraine slug fest, but a pissed bloke with a penchant for rugs saved the day and they won. This was a stroke of Darren Brown-like genius by the editing team (fuelled by their doubtless absence of anything film worthy from Noorul) – “Look at Phil and Lorraine, look at them, over here!” and then Ben’s team lost. Noorul was a decoy which allows them to keep us guessing for future shows as this show broke the format of “losing team gets more screen time”. Noorul did have a use after all…

DID YOU KNOW? BEN WON A SCHOLARSHIP TO SANDHURST (BUT HE DIDN’T GO)

No, last night’s show was saved by the Holy Trinity. Margaret’s face was a picture of persistent and annoying pain as the Geordie JT – entrenched in ignorance due to his prejudice against Lorraine – lugged an antique carpet around London. Her face suggested she was having trouble digesting something – a dictionary perhaps, or an engine part – something like that. Margaret’s clearly a lady who knows her Bordeaux from her Burgundy, which is more than can be said for Phillip (“Why aye, do yuus think some wine’s better than others, cos this is reet smooth, like”) and you sensed she wanted to take her clipboard and smash them all over the heads last night for being so silly. For the first time this series, Sir Alan stretched his legs and showed us that the series was warming up. He gave the three Rottweilers (Ben, Phil and Debra) a shot across the bows and his “concrete” comparison for Phil was just magnificent. The village idiot quip at James’s expense was beneath him, but James probably realises that he can make a start on the packing any time now. Debra got her dressing down as she did the undoable – she touched an Untouchable. She should know that Margaret and Nick are golden and beyond any reproach in Sir Alan’s eyes. Questioning their judgement would be like besmirching the Queen Mum’s name in Albert Square – you just don’t do it. It was a brilliant – and overdue – dressing down. All three have been warned – who will respond positively?

OVER TO OUR MAN IN PADDINGTON: BEN WON A SCHOLARSHIP TO SANDHURST (BUT HE DIDN’T GO)

Ultimately last night’s show reminded me of that Oscar Wilde quote:
“A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing”
Too rarely did our contestants grasp that the key to the task was valuing the items, forgetting about the “tut” and concentrating effort on the “gems”. Too often – in word and deed – their approach is “Shoot, fire, aim”. So while “them book people” were driving Ben’s team “f—–g mad” by sitting down and assessing value, our heroes ran on blindly. But having said all that, Phil’s team got away with their lack of planning and insight because of pissed blokes making impulse purchases of skeletons and rugs. If there had been a kebab shop nearer, they would have lost – fate can hang on such a thin thread at times.

FORGET SWINE FLU: BEN WON A SCHOLARSHIP TO SANDHURST (BUT HE DIDN’T GO)

Rounding up, I liked the knot and collar, Sir Alan, but I’m not sure about the colour combination. However, it was certainly better than Adrian’s Chavmeister tie on “You’re Fired”. Truffles, steak and reet fine wine – that’s what I call a prize, no more of this Chuckle Therapy nonsense (I honestly feared that they’d win a trip down a petting zoo or something similar). Finally, with regard to “You’re Fired” – memo to Al Murray: When a Financial Advisor and Antique Dealer are funnier than you, it’s time to stop slouching in your chair and pull your finger out or just stick with being a character you invented some 15 years ago.

This week’s votes:
Who I’d like to win – Kate. Saw little of her last night, but has an infectious enthusiasm and she may even be talented!!

Who Could Win, but I really don’t want them to – Phil. If –and it is a huge if – he can learn from last night he could be an Apprentice (it rarely goes to the finished article).

They should Go Next Week: Mona – with her and Noorul gone we will be down to the eight interesting candidates.

Person I would Least Like to meet down a dark alley: Did you see the way she stared at Sir Alan??? She even volunteered for the Boardroom. Debra, always Debra.

As ever, I’d welcome your thoughts. I’ll be a bit later with the Blog next week – small matter of a Chelsea v Barcelona semi final on Wednesday night, but I’ll watch The Apprentice on demand later. See you next week.
Rob Barklamb, Langdale Search & Selection.

Right, there’s a lot to get through this week, but let’s start with the obvious: Pants. As far as befuddled ideas which actually come to life go, whilst this one was not quite as catastrophic as the “I know, let’s get some polymer enriched industrial block of cheese from the cash and carry and sell it to the French”, it’s now up there in the upper reaches of Apprentice pants ideas. Phillip – The Geordie JT – has much to answer for. It was his idea and he got it through by whining, bullying and by pouring scorn on other ideas. Basically, once this truly awful concept had congealed in his brain, fused by some bizarre logic in his tiny mind, he was going to get his way. And that’s what it came down to – “This is my idea and I am going to get my way, and I’m taking my ball home with me if I don’t get my way.” I damn him more for the way he behaved during the task than I do for the pantsness of his idea. Seriously – trace the “thought process” – Kids like to laugh – pants are funny – cereals wake you up – if you don’t wake up, you’ll put your pants on over your trousers – so eat this breakfast and that won’t happen. It’s a decent enough sub plot for SpongeBob Squarepants, but hardly a solid commercial premise for a new product launch.

Phillip could have an argument in an empty room and has an unparalleled ability to pour scorn on any idea which is not his own. Apparently he and Kate are/have been an item, which is lovely for them. Can you imagine how one of their conversations might go? The scene is Chez Phil and Kate, late afternoon on a Saturday.

Phil: I fancy going out for a pizza tonight with me pants on outside me trousers, why aye!
Kate: OK, but I fancy a curry.
Phil: No, no, not curry. No. (shakes head, scowls)
Kate: Why not, my love?
Phil: Too hot. No.
Kate: OK, what about a Chinese?
Phil: No, no, too sweet and soury. No. (shakes head, curls lip)
Kate: OK, it’s just we had pizza last night – what about Thai?
Phil: (exploding) Are you not listening to me, man? Why have yers always got to be so negative? I want pizza, but if you want Thai – fine, but if it’s too spicy, that’s it I’m blaming you. That’s it I’m off to straighten me hair! (storms out)

Phillip survived because he’s good TV. And it strikes me that there are four ways in which a contestant can approach The Apprentice. Firstly, we have BE GOOD TV. Being a baddy will get you quite far down the line. Sir Alan knows you are conniving, Shrew (shrews are virtually blind and very aggressive) of a human being, but the carnage you create makes good TV. Ben survived because he’s good TV, Phillip survived because he’s good TV. Debra will survive because she’s good TV and at least one of these three (but not all of them) will make it to the last three contestants.

Secondly we have, BE A MACIAVELLIAN CONSPIRATOR AND SHAFT EVERYONE. Evil Katie was obviously the master of this dark art. No one is really employing this strategy this year, although Howard does so occasionally. Whereas Philip cannot keep his mouth shut and speaks before he has thought things through, Howard thinks and thinks and thinks. There was one shot last night where he realised that the Pants idea was doomed. He thought about saying something, but he let it pass as he realised that Phillip would go to the Boardroom with his idea and he therefore had a 1 in 4 chance of making it to the Boardroom with Phillip and Kim. Realising that he’d have to do something really bad to get in the Boardroom before Mona and Noorul, he sat on his hands and let it pass. In Howard’s defence he was responsible for the one piece of sanity in his wretched team – his attempt to stop Phillip and Lorraine bickering was well handled and proactive. The boy has something, we just need to see more of it – keep an eye on him.

Thirdly, there’s JUST KEEP IN THE BACKGROUND AND SAVE YOURSELF FOR THE LATER STAGES. Ultimately, you can’t win with this tactic, you just get a nice holiday in some “penthouse” by a smelly canal somewhere behind Paddington station. Kimberely and Paula have fallen in the last two weeks after employing this approach and Noorul and Mona will follow.

Finally, we have the seldom seen BASICALLY JUST GO OUT THERE, BE YOURSELF AND DO A GOOD JOB. Surprisingly few adopt this strategy, but Kate and James seem to be on this path.

Underpinning all this is the need to be GOOD IN THE BOARDROOM. Last night’s Boardroom resembled that scene at the end of Reservoir Dogs where they are all pointing guns at each other. There was blood everywhere and who was one to trust? “I love you, Lorraine; I hate you, Lorraine”; “You are great team leader, Kim; you’re a crap team leader, Kim”. For all of his shallow vanity, Ben gives exceptionally good Boardroom. I can see him now, freeze framing past Boardroom encounters, learning from past masters. Like a German football team which practices for Penalty shoot outs, Ben realised that he’d have to win a few Boardroom battles and he has drilled himself to win. So when the inevitable question of “Why should I not fire you?” comes up, he answers it with 3-4 bullet points. He works out the dynamics of the group and he works out his attack on the weakest member. He is masterful.

Hats off to Kate and her team. Truly, they were very, very good. Kate excelled – she managed a team with Ben and Debra, and brought out the best in them and kept everyone on task and working together. Ben came up with the spark of an idea, James built on it. Debra’s presentation was very good. Kate delegated – Debra and Yasmina held hands down at Sainsbury’s; then Yasmina and James did the jingles. When a decision had to be made (e.g the weak vocals), she acted swiftly to change it. I’ll talk more about competencies and The Apprentice as a selection process another week, but for now one has to recognise that we get 12 or so weeks of the same sales exercise measuring the same competencies (communication, interpersonal skills, planning, execution, etc, etc), which is fine, because the winner will go into a commercial role in a very commercial enterprise. The Advertising Exercise is different because there is no objective “Final Score” of pounds, shillings and pence, but it’s based on a subjective opinion based on subjective criteria. I think this allows for other competencies to come through. Thus Kim’s comments on “Your Fired” were telling – Kate’s a Psychology Graduate who really understands people (other than herself presumably, because she must surely have seen through Phillip by week 3). Kate flourished because she displayed competency in Emotional Intelligence – she understood her team, she understood her audience and she brought out the best in the former to meet the needs of the latter. And didn’t Margaret love her for it!

OK, let’s round up. Sir Alan’s shirt and tie combo – went a bit Ant and Dec again, didn’t he? Is it just me, but are the prizes crap this year? Laughter therapy? Come on – I can go to the cinema for that. No, I want a four course lunch at some flash restaurant followed by some hot air ballooning, not prancing laughing around with some charlatan posing as a therapist.

Finally, we are beginning to see the contestants fall into groups:

No Chance: Mona and Noorul. They are the TV equivalent of feeding ducks – diverting enough, but really you are just filling time with scraps of bread.
Your Cards Are Marked: Lorraine. I thought she was alright last night – she tried to speak out against a bad idea. However, Sir Alan has marked her card and it’s simply a matter of time before she goes.
You Have Something, But We Need to See More: Yasmina and Howard. Not useless, but both need to start pushing on now. Howard in particular needs to stop hiding and come forward.
Baddies: Philip, Debra, Ben. As above, all good TV, all overly aggressive, but one or two of them will get to the last three.
You Might Actually Be Good: Kate and James. The former shone last night and I include James purely because Paula and Kim both went on about how bright, engaging and committed he is.

Who Do I Want to Win: After last night – Kate. That was as good a performance as I have seen from a Team Leader in a long time, and Margaret LOVES her.

Who Could win, but I’d be Gutted if they did: Debra – again, did well last night and is calming down her behaviour.
Who Needs to Go: Mona, purely because I think I need to give Noorul a week off.
Who would I least like to meet down a dark alley: Debra, always Debra.

As ever, I’d welcome your thoughts.

Rob Barklamb, Langdale Search & Selection.

This week’s blog has been a little late in the posting because I was otherwise engaged last night watching Chelsea destroy Liverpool at Anfield, which leads me onto two time warp scenarios. Firstly, how could Philip, The Geordie JT, be on The Apprentice at the same time as leading his team to a magnificent victory which saw Liverpool humbled in front of The Kop? That’s because the show was filmed last year. We all know that. So why does the BBC pretend it’s all “real time” with the interviews with the losers on the radio and Breakfast TV? By the time they are sitting on the couch with Bill and Kate in the morning, they know who’s won and which runner up now works for one of the obnoxious interviewers from the penultimate round. I guess it’s called suspension of disbelief and we all happily go along with it. Whilst on the subject of Philip, and sticking with the football vernacular, the boy done fantastic last night and he actually praised someone. Played a blinder. Just as he did simultaneously at Anfield as Chelsea crushed Liverpool. Just thought I’d get that in again.

The second time warp scenario is the dilemma I faced after the game. My wife had been watching it whilst I watched the game – I went in to say hello to her and saw the Boardroom set up. Then, in the morning, I checked a newspaper’s website and caught Majid’s photo – so I knew who had got booted before watching the show. What do you do when you missed it “live”? Such is the show’s ubiquity that you have to stick your head in a bucket in order to avoid knowing the outcome. Being short of a bucket, I learned that the bearded wonder had got the chop.

However, this actually made for an interesting viewing experience, because it meant that I could watch the show on demand over lunch and shout “How on earth did you escape the boot you dwarfish, vain, brace wearing tit?” I refer of course to Ben. Talking of time warps, what Gordon Gecko inspired hell does he inhabit where people still wear braces? So we had him claim he was the best looking of the men, that he had the best product and he slapped his own backside. The boy is a walking catalogue of clichés and he plunged his team into the relentless pursuit of selling a box with springs which you could use to do press ups. As if a floor wouldn’t do.

However, he survived because he made a contribution. A bad one, but it was a contribution. This brings me on to the tactic of fence sitting. Majid went because he was seen as being a fence sitter. Now I think fence sitting is a good tactic to get you to the last 8 or so without ever getting noticed. After 2 fairly high profile weeks, Howard obviously fancied a day off this week and phoned in his contribution. Yet the efforts (or lack of) of Majid and Howard are nothing to compared to that of the Queen of Fence Sitting – Ginger Apprentice. You know, the one who looks like Grace from “Will & Grace”. Maybe in the spirit of social inclusion they have decided to put a mute in this year and that’s why she is there, all silent and curly haired. CAN ANYONE OTHER THAN HER MOTHER HONESTLY SAY THEY KNOW HER NAME WITHOUT LOOKING IT UP?? However, she is setting new standards of fence sitting and a last 8 berth beckons.
Fair play to Debra for sticking up for minorities this week – credit where it is due. I can see it next week: Nemo’s dad (Mona) will pipe up with something like “Debra, I just wish Ginger would mime something” only for Debra to boom back “I ain’t havin’ that. I ain’t havin’ no slagging off of me little mute mate, that’s bang out of *^”+#@ order!”

Debra. The runaway star of the show so far. A woman who could enter the World “Damn with Faint Praise” Championships and get to the semis at least. A woman who could make grown men cry just by glancing them with her lip gloss. A woman so hard that her stare could crack a walnut. So what the hell was going on with the holding hands with fellow Noel Fielding look alike Yasmina at the recital??? Was she doing it merely so she could derive more pleasure later on when she breaks them one by one when Yasmina crosses her by accidently drinking from her mug in the “penthouse”? “Ah, Yasmina, you thought we were friends as we sat through that frankly quite boring recital and tenderly held hands. No, I was merely sizing you up and imagining the pleasure I would derive from breaking your fingers. Now don’t use my coffee mug again – crack!”

A quick note on Sir Alan’s collar and tie combos for the week – spot on, sir a return to form.

To conclude – form and function. The losing team’s box actually had some functionality – it had springy bits and you could pull things as well as step on it, if that’s your thing. But it looked like a box for carrying a shoe shine kit – it looked like a bag of doggy do, let’s be honest. Now the winning team’s thing looked gorgeous, but as far as I could see you could sit on it about 4 inches above the ground and do things with it which could do on the ground, but with this you could do them 4 inches above the ground. However, it looked like, as Philip put it “The iPod of the exercise world”, it looked like a million dollars, but was actually £29.99, it looked like a piece of kit which would get bought, used twice and then sent off to the charity shop. And so John Lewis ordered 10,000 of them. Form over function – perfect for the tums and bums of Middle England. And that’s what will win you The Apprentice.

This week’s tips and picks – there are a few changes:

Who I’d like to win – Anyone who looks like the leader of the team which destroyed Liverpool cannot be all bad – Philip, The Geordie JT.

Who Could Win, but I really don’t want them to – Ben. Let me hang you on a toadstool by your braces, Shorty!

They should Go Next Week: James – out of his depth.

Person I would Least Like to meet down a dark alley : This will never change – Debra. I am scared of her.

Please, give me your votes. I’m on holiday next week, so there’ll be no Blog, but let’s catch up after Easter. Happy Easter!

Rob Barklamb, Langdale Search & Selection.

The first few weeks of The Apprentice are a phoney war – the eventual victor may only have had 30 seconds screen time so far and it’s too soon to tell. It’s like horses at the Grand National – one may show early only to fall at the fifth. No, it’s not until we get down to 8 or so of them that the eventual final contenders will emerge. That’s not to say that we can’t have fun along the way and I thought last night’s show was a cracker.
I’m surprised he booted Rocky. At the mention of being binned as a footballer at the age of 17 due to having arthritic knees and then dragging himself up by his boot strings to become Middlesbrough’s sandwich magnate, you could see Sir Alan being cleansed by a wave of empathy. It lasted all too briefly as he put Rocky to the sword.
Rocky hails from Middlesbrough and I am sorry to say that that quaint fishing village on the banks of the Tees does have a few image problems. Many years ago I worked in retail management. Long story short, I was providing management cover in our ‘Boro branch one day. At the end of said day, we caught a 14 year old girl shoplifting. The police came in to caution her. The police and I were struck that she had this black circular mark around her eye socket, as if someone had bruised her with an open jam jar, or the like. As the policeman was concluding he asked the question which had been playing in my mind – “What’s that mark around your eye”. The girl, nonchalantly shrugged and replied “Oh, it’s me boyfriend – he sucked me eye.” Yes, he had sucked her eye socket a la love bite style (I guess). We weren’t sure if this had been done as a show of aggression or affection, but we were led to believe it was the latter. “Sucked me eye” – these words still haunt me some 20 years later and, to me at least, they kind of sum up Middlesbrough. Sorry, ‘Boro, but you brought it on yourselves.
The seeds of Rocky’s downfall stemmed from an inability to comprehend a more sophisticated market place; the London bread based snack/meal is more discerning than Middlesbrough’s (Darlington’s is, come to think of it) and Rocky struggled to spot that. Hence he failed to quash the frankly ridiculous Olympic theme. Yes, Majid, the Olympics are the biggest thing to hit London, but not for another 3 years (4 when this was filmed)!!!! It’s not as if London cabbies now say “Cor Blimey, gov, what about that Bolt geezer – can’t wait for him to hit town!” or “Stratford, mate? No, don’t go east of the Mile End Road, what wiv all them Olympians milling around the place”.
Rocky’s demise started here, but it was surely sealed with his menu options. Chicken Tikka vol au vents – the taste of Asia. They love those vol au vents in Mumbai, love ‘em. Cous cous salad for Africa – I say salad, it just looked like a bowl of cous cous to me. And WHY IN THE NAME OF GOD did you agree to peanut butter sandwiches for the Americas? Sure, there’s a lot of junk food in the States, but having spent quite a bit of time out there I have had some of the best meals of my life in the USA, met some of the most demanding diners (why can’t they just order from the menu????). A trip to Zabars on Broadway is a journey to a new world as you discover there are 7,921 different ways of serving blueberries. Peanut butter! He had to go for either coming up with this idea or for not shooting the fool who came up with the suggestion.
Compare Rocky’s weak willed leadership to Yasmina’s. If one of her team had suggested an Olympian theme, she would have put her arm around them, nodded “I hear you”, paused for a nano second and replied “but it’s a crap idea and you will be consigned to mopping the brows of my other minions as they make sandwiches, fool!” Ken Blanchard – he of One Minute Manager fame – developed the idea of Situational Leadership. In brief, it’s not about being an autocratic leader or having a more consensual style – it’s about flexing one’s style to meet the needs of the situation and the people involved. To her great credit, Yasmina realised she had a bunch of Rookies struggling for direction and so she told them the theme, told them what to do (the odd slip aside, that kitchen worked) and told them to take that nice tasty bread back and get the Cheapo range. It worked and they won by a mile. I still reckon she’s Noel Fielding in drag though.
Elsewhere, we learnt the difference between lawyers and accountants. The latter kindly requested the price be reduced to £500; the former battered the Geordie JT on price and finally demanded it be halved to £375. So that’s £125 an hour difference then – sounds about right. Secondly, I am the only one to be sitting here thinking “What happened to all the revenue gained from sandwich sales on Day One?” Thirdly, I liked Sir Alan’s shirt this week, but I want him to look like Sir Alan, not Ant and Dec.
Finally, we saw so little of the girls this week (apart from Kate’s outstandingly squirm inducing crawl through the menu – hot basil oil drizzled tuna, mmmmm!) so I will conclude with the lads. Philip The Geordie John Terry, showed some solidarity with is fellow North Easterner and simply moaned this week after showing outright dissent last week. He’ll go close, but there will not be any cigars. Watch Howard – you could see the lights going on in his head as things went wrong last night. You could tell he had suggestions to improve things. You could tell he has worked out that Maj, Noorul and James are living on borrowed time. You could tell that he knew a lad who was binned as a footballer at 17 and has grafted to build a small business would appeal to Sir Alan. And he let him hang himself. Now those shirts and shoes of Howard’s have to go – someone take him up West to buy some clothes befitting an adult – but if he is clearly bright, clearly able, clearly composed in the Boardroom and clearly a Machiavellian weasel – he will go far, my friends.
The person I would like to win: Howard. Dodgy shirts aside, I’m sticking with my boy for another week.
2. Oh no, they could win but I really don’t want them to: Yasmina, but I could grow to like her if she adapts her style.
3. They should go next week: Noorul. You wouldn’t leave him on his own with a pair of scissors and a pot of glue, would you?
4. Person I’d least like to meet down a dark alley: Debra. Still. We only had the odd flash last night but she could snap your leg in two with just a role of her eyes. Awesome.
Dear readers, please do share your thoughts.
Rob Barklamb, Langdale Search & Selection